Sleepless nights

to sleep ..., originally uploaded by toyfoto.

I couldn't sleep last night. I tried. I went to bed early (for me) and closed my eyes. Nothing.

My legs felt gittery. I cracked my ankles and moved my feet back and forth. I shifted and turned, and grumbled to myself at the potential for this new symptom to be the often scoffed-at syndrome -- restless leg.

I got up and walked around. No help. Last week I was waking up from a dead sleep with crippling pain and leg cramps. Flex, point, flex, point, flex, point ... back to sleep.

The clock that had read 11 p.m. now blinked 1 a.m.

My legs eventually gave up their wakefulness and just before I was able to drift off, the itch of the rash roared. Up again for the forgotten Caladryl. The shock of cold as it dried woke me up again.

2 a.m. Annabel is standing in the hallway, silently looking at me. She lifts her arms. I put her in bed and we cuddle. She tells me I'm the "bestest mommy I ever had," and shushes me when I tell her I love
her too. "MOM," she chides, "You are waking me up from my dreams."

Lay back down, I tell myself. Soon there will be enough sleepless nights. There will be on the two hour feedings round the clock. There will be new learning curves for all of us. Get all the rest you can now.

I do as my mind instructs. I try to relax but the reflux takes it's turn. I get up and go to the kitchen for more TUMS; an empty ritual that doesn't work.

4 a.m.: with flexing feet, itchy torso and burning throat, I wonder if I will ever get sleep again.

Thing 2 has been quiet, and it occurs to me that aside from what I hope are pregnancy related symptoms, I've not really been noticing the pregancy. I wonder how often he's been fiddling around in there.

And just when I figure I'll be awake to greet the sun, he reminds me he's here and his got things to do, thank-you-very-much. "I just think I'll try tap dancing over here on your bladder, ma."

There's so much to think about; so much left to do. So little time, it seems. No time left for sleep.