A friend wrote about that feeling that might be summed up by people in our lives in a single word: Disillusionment. But how it's really something much more complicated.
She wrote about how a momentary thought breeds other momentary thoughts. Usually harmless day dreams of what life would be like in an alternate universe. Where you've made different choices.
It stirred me.
When I'm at my worst - I think of disillusionment as moribund.
A death spiral. Nothing good will ever be again.
The clinical amongst you might call that depression. I'm sure it is that and more.
But it's complicated.
At the point of disillusionment we try to measure our worth against the perceived value we've placed on others.
It is a losing strategy.
There's always a thumb on the proverbial scale.
I keep having to tell myself that my shortcomings are each important cogs in some machine I can't fully comprehend but must trust.
We could be self assured and be wrong. We can be angry and be wrong. We can be happy and be wrong. We can be kind and wrong. We can be wrong any number of ways. We will be wrong many number of ways.
We can be right and be wrong.
But if we have hope we can be wrong and move on.
We may not know how our stories end but we know they will. Someday.
So today, I must remember that there is always something else. There is always a place to go. To be. To explore. To rediscover.
This life is insignificant and everything - it is tiny and huge - and no one, especially ourselves, has all the tools needed to measure it with any real precision.
Importance is relative.
Placement is arbitrary.
Happenstance can be amazing.
None of it matters.
Breathe in. Breathe out.