Hateful things ...

I almost choked on my Guinness when I checked my rss reader and discovered that Mom-101 had tagged me (in the nicest non-tagging way, of course) with a meme about hateful things, because (and this is the part where I nearly spewed stout all over my keyboard) I am so "upbeat" all the time.

If only t'wer true.

For those of you who really don't know me, let me assure you it's the antidepressants writing, which leads me to my first hateful thing:

1). I hate Zoloft. And previously I hated Prozac more. They make me groggy and tired, and worried about never being normal again. I hate having to rely on a inhibitor to stop being inhibited. Why can't a strong cup of black coffee do the trick?

2). Citydiots. Yes, I live in the country week-round. I haven't been to the city (where you important people live during the work-a-day week) since I was pregnant. And NO, I am not going grocery shopping on weekdays just so you don't have to wait in line. I've got one word for you: ZABAR'S. ... And by the way, if you tell me one more time that YOU bring the culture here and WE should be grateful, I will let the air out of your tires and fill your car with fertilizer.

3). Sunny days. Not kidding. I would rather spend the entire day in a downpour than in the sun. I don't think there is enough sunscreen in the world to make me think otherwise. In fact they'd have to bottle something called LIQUID SHIRT to make me go outdoors between the hours of 10 and 2.

4). Watermelon. Truly. I don't understand its popularity. It's mealy and it has seeds. If you eat too close to the rind you are in for a bitter surprise and its tender meat really ain't that sweet. Why would anyone eat it when there's such a thing as cantalope?

5). Cosmopolitans. I watched Sex & The City. I even liked it the last three seasons, but damn. No matter how I try I just can't get this drink past my lips. Jed loves them. LOVES THEM. But if I'm going to drink one someone had better give me two margaritas first, you know, so I can be good and liquored-up.

6).Grocery shopping. While you may refer to # 2 here for a reason, a larger and more compelling one is an intricate game of hide and seek the managers have been playing with me for years. It has made me believe that the market higher-ups consider their stores to be DISNEYLAND. Let me assure you, dear manager, there is NOTHING amusing about searching fruitlessly for the BEER aisle or the NATURAL FOODS section because YOU moved it ... each month ... since I've been shopping here. So quit it already, okay!

7.) Lamb. This is something that crept up on me because for years I thought I liked lamb. I had it once at a party and it was A-MAZING. So whenever it's on a menu I have a tendancy to order it only to realize, once the plate is slid under my salivatin' chin, "oh, yeah, I'm not too jazzed about lamb."

8). Liam Neeson. I'm sure If I met him he'd be a nice guy, charming and the like. But seriously, since the movie "Nell," I can't watch his work. Any of it. Even the stuff I liked beforehand.

9). "Schindler's List." I hated this movie, but I couldn't admit it because of its subject matter. (Really, you can't disparage a movie dipicting a story of such historic importance, can you?) And no, it wasn't because Liam Neeson portrayed Oskar Schindler (although that didn't help). I don't want movies to BEAT ME OVER THE HEAD with the message. Mr. Spielberg, I have a brain. I am capable of using it on occasion.

10). Low-test transport. I hate automatic transmissions even MORE than decaffeinated coffee. Driving to work, somedays, with my low-test sedan and my low-test joe, I worry about left-leg atrophy and if I'll ever enjoy being behind the wheel again. It's enough to make you take Zoloft.


And that, dear friends, concludes this listed rant. I'm not going to tag anyone specifically, but if any of you out there in the ethosphere feel like taking this torch I'll happily link to your charred remains.