The PAPA report: A telephone ballet in three parts

While Lori is away on vacation, the Yaya report will be replaced, momentarily, with the PAPA report: a grandfatherly look into the care and feeding of a recently persnickety ittybit.

PHONE: Ring, ring ... ring ...

Ama: Hello, have you heard from your father? He just called, he's probably going to stay at your house all day. She doesn't want to leave, sleep or eat. Just thought I'd warn you.

Sometimes She's Schwan: Thanks, mom. I'll give him a call.

PHONE: Ring, ring ... ring ...

Papa: Hi! Hey what's in that potato salad? It's delicious. Is there ginger in there? Annabel won't eat it.

Sometimes she's Schwan: It has some mango chutney and a little lime juice. How's everything going?

Papa: Well it's really good. Annabel's not going to starve but she's only eaten about six spoonfuls of cereal and five cherry tomatoes. She wants more, but I don't know if that's such a good idea.

I made her a pancake from the leftover batter you made yesterday morning, but she wanted cottage cheese in it. I suppose Jed just puts the batter in the pan and adds cottage cheese to it, because when I took some out and mixed in a bowl, she seemed to think that was the wrong way to do it.

She didn't want any of it once it was done, but I coaxed her into taking a bite by asking her if my pancakes were as good as her dad's.

She said: 'Yours are better, papa.'

I think she just wanted to get me off her back because she wouldn't eat any more of it. Oh, she is a panic.

Sometimes she's Schwan: Oh my god, you're not kidding. That is NOT good news. That means that she's probably plotting how to manipulate her way into later bed-times and finagle an allowance. She'll probably make Oreo cookies her mid-day meal. There will never be another nap, ever! We. Are. All. Doomed.

Papa Oops. Gotta go, now she wants to read her books and watch 'The Nutcracker.'

Sometimes she's Schwan: PLEASE DAD, call me if she tries to choreograph anything or starts a grass-roots campaign of any kind. Don't, for the love of god, let her collect signatures from the neighbors. OK?

U P D A T E

PHONE: Ring, ring ... ring ...

Sometimes she's Schwan: Hello?

Papa: Listen, did you just call here?

Sometimes she's Schwan: No? Why. How's everything going?

Papa: Oh, not so good. Has she ever climbed out of her crib?

Sometimes she's Schwan: Yes. That's why we're getting her a toddler bed when we get back from vacation.

Papa: Well I put her in bed but she wasn't really happy about it. She told me she wanted milk, and that she wasn't going to drink it just hold it, so I went and got some. I heard this bang and then a thump and then she's standing at the door. She wasn't crying although she said she got hurt and pointed to her knee. I didn't see anything and she got back into bed. Now she's sound asleep. Really sound asleep.

Sometimes she's Schwan: Don't worry too much about it dad, her floor is carpeted and she won't likely do it again. She seems to only climb out when she's mad and doesn't want to take a nap. When she wakes up she'll just call for you.

Papa: Oh ... she just rolled over.

Sometimes she's Schwan: Dad? Are you peeking in at her?

Papa: No. I'm sitting on the couch in her room. I didn't want her to climb out again.