Thursday, July 06, 2006

Not even the sight of this photograph cheers me up


flips on gama's bed
Originally uploaded by toyfoto.
It's official: I must be depressed.

I woke up yesterday morning unable to remove the weight from my shoulders. All day long it was more of the same. I felt heavy and sad, and not really concerned about either emotion.

You ever get the feeling you could sleep for a week and still be tired?
That you'll never finish that book that you started to read last summer?
That you'll never write (or do) anything as good as that thing you wrote (or did) last year at this time?
That you are alone in the universe, and not in a good way?

Do you ever feel like there must be more to happiness than just being happy?

There are so many things we hold over our own heads that drag our heads under water.

Here's a little list of things that have been hanging over my head:
  • I can't clean my own house.
  • I have no interest in cooking.
  • I am too fond of flickr, where all my friends are "imaginary."
  • I look at the weed of a sumac tree covering my doorway and I just brush past it as I schlep things inside. I've watched it grow into a menace since it sprouted this past spring. Cutting it down is too much effort.
  • I don't want to play another toddler game.
  • I watch too much TV.
  • I can't concentrate on reading novels and feel guilty when I try.
  • I haven't been on a walk in weeks.
  • I don't care about my appearance anymore.
  • I want someone else to be the mommy for a while, but I'm afraid they'll be better at it; in fact I'm sure they will.

11 comments:

bubandpie said...

Yow. I know that feeling, and it's not a good place to be. The guilt, the listlessness...for me, it was the weaning hormones that did it, and after a couple of weeks things got back to "normal" (as in, I'm still unable to keep up with my housework, and I'm still pretty sure that most women are better mothers than I am, but I no longer let those things stop me from really enjoying my life).

If you know what you need to do to get yourself out of this, do it.

toyfoto said...

Thanks for reading, Although I'm sorry you've happened on my blog during this recent spate of lists including this one. I think I need more excercise, actually. Now how to get out of my doldrums and just do it ...

Andrea said...

I've been there, in that funk that I can't get out of and don't have much motivation to try. It happens to everyone, and I too have my list, which includes things like: I have a good idea brewing for a story but no energy to develop/write it and then feel guilty about not chasing my dream hard enough. Ditto on the TV, and cooking and cleaning. Then I beat myself up for feeling that way.

Somehow, I manage to get out of it, sometimes without even noticing. If exercise helps, try the walks again. I hope you feel better soon.

JGS said...

I actually spent quite a long time feeling that way - way too long. It is a feeling that breeds more feelings like it. But on the positive side once you start feeling better that also breeds more positive feelings.

I know I don't know you that well, yet, but let me make my own list.

- You give your heart and soul as a mother and don't have much energy/enthusiasm left to do laundry or weed or walk or care about what you look like (Ittybit certainly doesn't care as long as you keep loving her). This intense effort has drained you. That's not a sign you're doing something wrong, just a sign to take better care of yourself so you can continue to give to your family.
- You're breaking through your own boundaries and limits as a person to be the best Mommy you can be - of course you feel insecure. Have faith in her smile, in her beauty inside and out that you're doing just great!
- You are a great writer
- You articulate your feelings powerfully
- You genuinely care about people
- No one could ever do a better job being a Mommy to Ittybit than you. Please don't forget that. You will always be her Mommy and I am sure she thinks the world of you - even if you don't right now.

I'm sure others have their own list as well, but this is mine.

Diana said...

I can help you with number 3 on the list by moving upstate in mere months, thereby forcing you to stop being my flickr friend and start being my real life friend. I warn you though, I am ridiculously socially inept. You'll probably end up liking me more inside the computer.

kimmyk said...

I think you need to put your baby girl in a stroller and make yourself go outside and walk. Then you will breathe fresh air and in your daughters eyes be a good mommy for walking her and you'll feel like a good mommy for taking her out. Sort of like killing two birds with one stone.

We all go through a funk every now and then I think, but it's good you recognize it..and not let it continue everyday.

Julie K in Taiwan said...

Hugz!

toyfoto said...

Thanks for the kind words, everyone. You are making me see things differently already. And when you move upstate, Diana, I am totally cool with you being socially inept. That's the only way to be.

Be Still said...

Hi, it's one of your imaginary Flickr friends here. ;-)

I'm so sorry to hear you are down. Being a mommy is exhasting and depressing sometimes, isn't it? I think it is even worse when you really care about being a good one!

Please don't be hard on yourself in that way smart, capable women seem so adept at.

I was going through this a couple weeks ago. I started to wonder if Flickr was stealing my lifeforce, so I took a break. As much as it pains me to admit it, it really did help me. I got more sleep, caught up on my housework and actually cooked some meals FROM SCRATCH.

Of course, I'm back at Flickr crackpipe again as of today, so what do I know?

toyfoto said...

I have pulled back from flickr. ... mostly the groups ... and I have to say it's a relief. Although there's internal guilt that I'm not commenting as much and neglecting all those people I've grown to really admire and look forward to seeing.

I suppose I should look at it this way: If you all never commented again on another photo or another blog entry, I know wouldn't be hurt. I'd miss you, but I'd know you were out there busy with life. I'm sure that's how most of you feel, too. The internet is a very warm and friendly place, I think.

Gail said...

Ohhhh... I've had so many false starts at a comment to this post, so all I'll say for now is "and this, too, shall pass" -- those feelings won't hang around forever and in the meantime, it's still important to write them down because you'll know from whence you came when you reach your Good Place.