Monday, October 01, 2007

'Tween and twitch

love, originally uploaded by toyfoto.

Thrump, tum, tum. Thrump, tum, tum.

I shift in my seat, my back slumped into the same position it held three and a half months ago when my belly was arguably larger.

Can't call too early. They are not home. Traveling about the county, dropping off one kid to preschool and picking up another. Silas along for the ride.

I am restless. Working on the things I can, reading the news I largely ignored during the summer. Getting depressed. Another murder. Another health scare in Africa. Epidemic here. There. Everywhere.

I watch the clock. They should be home now. I call. Three rings, four rings. ... there is a connection and I hear screaming on the other end. Silas.

So often I listen to him cry and feel my own tears close to the surface. Not today. Today his tears comfort me a little. He misses me? Probably not. He isn't eating as well for the sitter as he did for my mother on our night out. Only two ounces so far. He's hungry. I've already pumped 8 ounces.

I hang up so as not to make it worse. I know how hard it is to do anything with a baby crying.

My eye starts to twitch with that familiar stress energy I haven't felt in I don't know how long.

I should really start sitting up straighter.


Redneck Mommy said...

He is absolutely gorgeous.

Kelly said...

He is gorgeous, and I know this won't help, but it WILL be okay.

BlogWhore said...

you did it once before, with annabel, and you know the ropes. it's hard and just hurts less everyday... but never goes away.

the last time i was here, you were thinking about staying home. (i believe you were still pregnant when considering). what changed your mind?

toyfoto said...

My contemplations were all based on the presumption that an acceptable daycare situation was not going to present itself. You might have been reading about here:

The sad thing is that I have "the steady income" and the health insurance. That's not to say we couldn't do it, but my worry over finaces would be much greater.