Friday, November 23, 2007

Writing through water

swirly swing, originally uploaded by toyfoto.

Words are coming in waves but not in any order that makes sense. Not that I can really write them, anyway.

You see, so much of my story really isn't mine to tell.

It is my custom, at least in my head, to rethink what is my intention with this place here in the ethos. The last few times I checked, it was my intent to leave something for my children to know the me I thought I was if I am not around to answer their questions.

It is a place for them to come and learn what I thought while they were dazzling me with their little beings.

It is a place to jot down all those little things I am apt to forget minutes after they happen. Like THIS little tidbit a reader in Philadelphia dug up today, and, through my sitemeter snooping, let me have a teary little stroll down memory lane.

For every thing I write here, as well you may gather, there are dozens of things I don't write. There are tons of experiences, outside of motherhood, just as a human being, that I don't discuss. In some cases it's not prudent, and in other cases it would be unkind.

I'm holding my breath a lot, these days. When I breathe it's with a gigantic sigh. So much is just the human predicament. All the things we as mortal beings are incapable of protecting ourselves against. All the things that can keep a person up into the wee hours of the morning replaying in their mind.

Maybe I'm tired. Maybe I've got nothing of importance to say. I don't know. What I do know is that it seems like everything I try to write sounds like it's trying to be written, and trying too hard.

But what's even more frightening is just thinking about it all leads me to another conclusion: that so much of what I've shared here already really isn't mine to give, either.


1 comment:

TZT said...

I think about this a lot myself. I wonder what, that I have written, could return and embarrass my son or make him feel vulnerable and publicly exposed. What is mine and what should be left to him to tell?

But then I also remember how much of my perception of myself as a child was informed by my mother, who kept a few stray notes with the stories she didn't want to forget here and there. She always wished that she had written more down. The few memories she did record were often repeated at my request as I got older, helping me piece together my own mythology and sense of identity. I have come to think of storytelling as an essential part of motherhood.

I don't know if my comment relates precisely to this post or not. But I know that I'm glad that I just found your blog. It's beautiful.